Emotional Ranting

First of all let me say I am FREAKING OUT!!!!! I am up wide awake knowing that I should be sleeping but I can't because my mind is racing. My mind is racing in a direction that I can't handle it going. I have cleaned the house and done everything that I can that won't make too much noise and wake everyone else up. Now i am done and have nothing to do but to sit and be alone with my thoughts. Again my thoughts are going the wrong way. There is nothing anyone can say or do but I wish there was someone there to be with me. I feel so alone. I am scared...I like to well better said I need to be in control...and tomorrow I have to let my baby boy out of my control and but my trust into people that I don't trust; people I don't know; people I hope are well enough trained that they can take care of my baby. He is that after all just a baby. He needs us to make the best decisions for him and all I can do it hope that we have done that. The decision on doing the procedure at all, right doctor, is he well enough, the right time...too many major decisions to be made. Paul talked about how we made the best one but he didn't make them I did so if they end up being wrong then it is my fault. If something happens it falls back on me. I can't hold that on my shoulders. If something happens what then I don't think I can or would want to handle it. I am sitting here JUST sitting here and I am sweating because my heart is POUNDING so fast. I feel my face turing red again and the tears swelling up and I try to hold them back. I don't know why possibly the control issue again. I am wanting to have no energy tomorrow. I am wanting to be a zombie. I don't want the kids to be able to tell how scared I am. I want Austin to feel loved and comforted before he goes in for surgery. Then I want to be held and not have to talk since when I am scared I just get ANGRY. I get angry at everyone telling me it will be okay. They don't know ; they can't make any promises. I don't want to hear anything untill the doctor says he is out of surgury and over the anesthesia and is doing great. That is what I want to hear. Then I can sleep, then I can relax, then I am hold my baby and sleep for hours. Until then I sit here heart pounding, tears streaming and fighting back all the aweful thoughts. I love my baby boy and just want him to be okay.